Brandie Cosby Testimony Section 5 of 7

So now I'm 20, divorced, but at least I have a job and graduated, and now I'm going to start college. This year of my life will be the most amazing years of my life.

So I met a man at a Derby who is really cute and when I met him I knew I was going to marry him. I know, cliche, I know, but it really was love at first sight.  I think God answered my prayers of being alone and hurt I said God I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to be alone anymore I need a real man somebody that can be my partner for life and that's when I met him. And that's when my life begin to start filling right we dated for about a year and decided to get married so I plan the wedding even though he hadn't asked me to marry him and set a date even though it wasn't officially asked if I would be his wife and I asked the doctor hey do you think if I get off birth control how long it would take for me to get pregnant ohh probably a year or so the doctor said well we planned on getting married within that year funny story we got pregnant the first try. So then we waited to tie the knot until 2011. We have become such an amazing family we were going to church and we were able to party Friday and Saturday night and still get up to go to church on Sunday it was the all American family we were there for a good time and Jesus. I called this my lukewarm phase of life. But I also called this one of the most valuable times of my life. During this time, I learned what resentment was, and I learned how to become a wife and a mother who stayed at home. I ended up with three beautiful daughters Ada, Emily and Jaycee. But because I didn't know who I was I wanted to become who he wanted me to become my husband wanted me to become I wanted to become what the Christian society told me a wife was supposed to become I wanted to become what my mother wanted me to become I wanted to become what my grandmother wanted me to become I wanted to become what everybody wanted me to become but what I wanted to become I didn't want to become so I had lost my identity completely. In fact I remember when I was choosing my daughter's name I ended up becoming very firm on it because I didn't want her identity to be a certain thing a certain person so when this other name was chose for her I said no no no no I can't have her that name because I don't want her to become that person because I was so confused with my identity I didn't know how 2 not allow my children to become other people by their name. 

So we started going to church as a family and it was perfect it was great I started getting convicted though of the Holy Spirit that's how I got rebaptized because I felt like if I could wash away all my sins and all my pain and all my shame and all my guilt that everything would turn out better and I could feel better again I could feel like I had myself again I could be my own person again I could stand up and say no one I didn't like something or yes when I wanted to do something but I didn't know about spiritual warfare I didn't know that when I get baptized I'm going to go under attack like Jesus did in the wilderness. I had gained some of my faith back I was reading about proverbs 31 woman I was desiring to be that perfect wife I just couldn't put down that wine glass. I wanted to beat his perfect wife because I was so fearful that our relationship would turn and he would beat me or he would leave me and I can't be alone now I have two kids I can't do this I don't have a college education I put it all on the back burner I gave up my dreams and my hopes for help so I had to accept his dreams and his hopes and his desires and his wants to become what he wanted me to become because in the end my mom's opinion my brother's opinion my sister's opinions my grandma's opinions my grandpa's nobody else is mattered in that moment but kids because in the end he is who I had to please not because I loved him but because I was so fearful that he would leave me.

I have to say this because his and my marriage was not a mess nobody could ever have seen and not even him new that I was struggling with my identity I never said one word to him I never wanted him to know in fact we did not fight for the 1st 10 years of our marriage our marriage was perfect and I mean it we had perfect kids and we had a perfect family unit and the hill and I seemed to match up perfectly but nobody knew that I was struggling mentally and emotionally. It was acceptable for us to party on the weekends because we went to church on Sunday and it was acceptable for us to miss church every other Sunday because we had a hangover or it was chose not to go to church that day because we had better stuff to do. It was acceptable to just put $20 in the offering plate when we made 4000 a month it was acceptable to smoke cigarettes right before you walk through the churches door I'm not saying a fenced anybody that smokes but this is what I was thinking that it was acceptable for me because I walked through the church's door and smelled like a cigarette and it was acceptable because I was at least going to church and I wasn't using drugs. It was also acceptable because I did my kids's hair they had name brand clothes and people owed me everything because who my Mama was in the community but not only that but who my father was in the community. So I paused this story about my mother and Bobby her boyfriend.

Long story short he got married he became the father that I needed always I had a flat tire I called I needed to cry I'd say dad can I please come over and sit in your lap and he would let me he was the father I always needed the one I desired the one I prayed for at the altar when I was seven years old who was the father of that didn't have to be the father but chose to be my father. So this man who chose to be my father I decided to take up his identity and I chose to say that people owed me because I was Bobby handler's daughter or I was grace handler's daughter you owe me because I'm grace handler's daughter and you know that's just how it works in this world.

Reality check that is not how it works in this world I am so grateful to have had Bobby handler as my dad. In fact there's times that I think that I married a man just like my dad because my husband will say things and I'm like you are so my dad what but if it wasn't for my dad and the values that he instilled in me I wouldn't be nearly the person I am today than I am because my dad First off taught me how to drive so that took me places but second off he taught me that integrity meant everything he taught me that no matter who you are you deserve to be loved you know it's funny that I say that and my life verse is first John chapter 4 verse 19 we love because he first loved us and I'm not talking about my physical father that was here on earth in this verse I love this verse because it shows me that God loved me first even when I couldn't love him even when I put an earthly father ahead of him he still loved me.